Far Away
by Alexandrea Darkin
Summary: Song fic set during season seven "Killer in Me" to "Far Away" by Nickelback Spike's chip is firing at will and Buffy must come to terms with her future with or without the vampire that she has seen change from killer to something else all together.


"Far Away"

* Song Fic From Buffy to Spike *

* Set During "The Killer In Me" When Spike's Chip Starts Failing *

With a tired sigh Buffy pulled the door closed behind her and turned down the stairs. It had been quiet in the house for hours and the thought of what she might find scared her more than she was willing to admit. Her eyes adjusted quickly and in the dim light of the basement she could see Spike lying on the bed, the shackles still on his wrists his hands resting on his stomach. She felt the tears again as she sat beside him brushing a loose curl away from his face. With the corner of the bloody towel she cleaned the blood from under his nose and his lips. How could he still be losing so much blood? She had barely been able to get him hospital or anything but there had to be something she could do. Buffy sighed as she brushed away her tears the jerky sobs making her feel childish and unsure of herself. Here she was crying over Spike. Oh how the years had changed the way she looked at him now and she wasn't sure if it was him or her that had changed the most in that amount of time.

He was weak and completely helpless and there was nothing she could think of that would help him. Even after enduring torture from Glory and the First Spike hadn't looked so broken and…human. A shock ran through her at the thought, her eyes snapping to his face again as she realized why seeing him this way hurt her so much. He looked more human than she had ever seen him before. No sarcastic insults or innuendo falling from his lips, no quirk of that scared eyebrow when she slipped up and said something that caught his interest and no piercing stare from those blue eyes. He was as close to human as he had been in over a hundred years. She had grown to expect Spike to always be the superhuman being that she battled with and fought beside of. It wasn't fair that he was lying shackled in her basement looking so vulnerable and sick.

She was pulled out of her thoughts by a slight whimper. She reached out to him as his body jerked and his eyes crinkled in pain, but he didn't wake up enough to scream. Spike had been knocked out since the last zap the chip shot through his brain and she wasn't sure how much fight he had left in him. His words had been the worst as he begged her to stake him just to end the pain. How many times had she thought about doing exactly that when they first met? But now it seemed like forever ago that she had felt that way. He had nearly sacrificed his life to save Dawn. Something she would never have thought him capable of in years past. It was the soul that made him different now. Made her look at him in a different light. Or was it the fact that he was different that made her feel things for him that she once swore she never would feel again?

"You don't deserve this you know." She whispered quietly as she released the restraints he had insisted on and pulled his hand into her lap. In that moment Buffy doubted even The First could wake Spike from his torment. "Not after the way you've tried…after you've changed. Probably didn't even deserve all this before. Been doing a lot of thinking about things…soul searching you know. You should be familiar with that. Ok, bad joke I know. It's just that….well…I know you can't really hear me right now, but I need to get this out before…before you're not around for me to say it to."

Buffy took a deep breath to calm herself as her fingers traced patterns on the back of his hand, her eyes roaming over his face searching for any indication that he was awake and listening to her. It seemed like something he would do to aggravate her. "This time, this place…it's not what I would have chosen for this just so you know. I misused you, Spike. Made a lot of mistakes. It took me too long and now it's too late." With a shake of her head she brushed away a new flood of tears. "Who was I to make you wait? Just one chance…just one breath…I have to say this just in case there's just one left. 'Cause you know…that I love you." Another jolt of pain from the chip and his head thrashed on the pillow, his hand tightened around hers as if he had heard her say the words she had denied or ignored so many times before.

"I have loved you all along." Buffy couldn't stop the words as they poured out of her now. Her fingers brushing over his face easing the pained look as she rubbed soft circles over his temples. "And I miss you, Spike. You've been far away for far too long and I try to sleep but I keep dreaming you'll be with me…and you'll never go. I swear it feels like I'll stop breathing if I don't see you anymore. I don't know when this started, Spike…but I'm not ready for you to be gone. I don't know if I ever will be."

She slipped from the bed and leaned closer to his face as she combed her fingers through his hair. A smile played on her lips as she toyed with a few of the loose curls knowing he would have been slapping her hands away if he knew what she was doing. "On my knees. I'll ask…give me one last chance for one last dance. 'Cause with you…I'd withstand all of Hell to hold your hand." She didn't care if he was laughing at her from wherever he was but she could feel herself starting to feel better. She wasn't here to bury him or her feelings anymore. "I'd give it all…I'd give for us…I'd give anything but I won't give up. Not now, Spike. Not like this. You're so far away…I want you to stay 'cause I need to hear you say that I love you. I…I've loved you all along and I forgive you for being away for too long."

"So keep breathing." Buffy knew it sounded ridiculous to tell a vampire to keep breathing but what else was she supposed to say. "'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore. Hold on to me and….never let me go."

"Bloody hell." She jumped as she heard his whispered voice and his grip on her hand tightened again.

"Spike!" She smiled as his eyes opened and she could see the confusion in them. "You're awake."

"Bloody chip." Spike groaned as he used the back of his free hand to scrub at his eyes. "Why're you cryin', Pet? I go all grrrrrr and arrrrgh or somethin'?"

"No." Buffy laughed as she squeezed his hand bringing his attention to the fact that she was willing holing his unchained hand in hers. "You're back that's all that matters. You can grrrrr and arrrrrgh if you want and I won't say a word."

"Just one thing, Luv." Spike said as he used his free hand to turn her face toward him. "I love you, Buffy. Thought I better tell you that while I could. Not sure how many more times…." Buffy held her breath as his eyes rolled back and he screamed pressing the palm of his hand into the side of his head. "God…..why…."  
"Spike," Buffy pulled his hand away from his eyes and made him look at her. "I love you to."

"So that's it then." Spike sighed as he closed his eyes. "Bloody chip's finally gone and fried my brain. I could have sworn you said…"

"I love you, Spike."

"Yeah that was it." Spike sighed. Suddenly, his eyes shot open and he stared up at her. "Wait...what?"

5


End file.
